


The best love stories always have a happy end ...the great ones don't always

by pinkpoedi



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2018-12-23 11:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11989338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkpoedi/pseuds/pinkpoedi
Summary: Sometimes it needs a little crush to realize whom you are in love with....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bedelia27](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bedelia27/gifts).



The Captain’s Quarters of the USS Voyager were dimly lit. No distinct noises could be heard. It had been an uneventful ten days. Ten days without red alert, ten days without yellow alert, ten days without even a single misunderstanding among the crew members, hell even the doctor and Paris seemed to get along just fine. “Delta Quadrant! Where is your action?” Kathryn asked into the silence of her quarters. Unknown and yet somehow familiar stars were flying by across her window. She rearranged her legs on the couch, snuggling into the warm not Starfleet issue blanket from a planet they had visited a few months ago. She had been on the surface together with Tuvok and Chakotay and had admired the green woven silk-like blanket in one of the shops’ windows. When all the negotiations had been taken care of and Voyager was on her way back course home Kathryn had been exhausted. Although everything had worked out just fine and they had gotten all the supplies they needed she didn’t feel as satisfied as usual. She was just tired. Tired of 14 hour shifts with never ending evaluations. Tired of having to make new first contacts every few weeks. Tired of the Deltaquadrant. “That’s not Starfleet officer thinking… Back home almost every Captain would die for the opportunities you are given here! Stop swimming in self pitty and enjoy the ride!” She had been almost able to hear her father tell her when she was standing in the turbolift looking at her tired face in the mirroring cover panel. She had made her way towards her quarters, already kicking of her shoes and taking of her uniform jacket when she came to a stop, startled. Something had been different she could tell. Then she saw the green shimmer beneath the window. The blanket she had admired on the planet was lying on her couch and on top of it a rose was seeded. The next day on the bridge she had thanked Chakotay with a wink for the beautiful gift but he had given her a good show in pretending not to know what she was talking about.  
She smiled remembering that and snuggled even deeper into her couch, covered by that beautiful blanket and took a sip from her coffee.  
She reached for the book on her coffee table and started reading. After a few minutes, she put it back down again. She couldn’t concentrate on the beautifully written words and sentences and decided Alighieri deserved nothing but her full attention. She told the computer to turn off the lights and closed her eyes listening to the humming of Voyager’s engines.  
She could feel herself dozing off when suddenly there was a loud noise and a bull of light behind her eyelids. Alarmed she opened her eyes, feeling the adrenaline shooting through every blood vessel of her body.  
She was in a shuttle craft, losing height fast. Too fast. She could see the surface of a planet coming near …too fast. She started pushing buttons relentlessly.  
“What the…Damn …I could use some help here…!” She cursed into the empty shuttle craft. Suddenly a light flash “Did someone ask for me?” –“Q????” She stared at him, her jaw dropping.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh Kathy! I knew I looked especially handsome today but your reaction really does flatter me!” Janeway kept staring at Q for three more seconds before the angry beeping of the shuttlecraft got her attention again. “Q stop being so narcissistic and help me with that, would you?” – “Oh Kathy, always so on edge! Try to relax a little!” Q just laughed but took a seat at the copilot’s chair. Janeway was getting really stressed, what was wrong? Why didn’t the shuttle react? Finally, she had an idea. She gave the according command into the touchpad and screamed towards Q what to do. The beeping of the alarm came to a hold. The shuttle craft was back under control. She put on the autopilot and glared at Q “Would you mind telling me WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS? Where am I? Is this real? What are you doing here?”. Q just gave her a smut look. “Oh Kathy! Did anyone ever tell you, you’re angry when you’re beautiful? Oh wait! That was me!” he looked at her and laughed. Janeway got frustrated. She stood up from her chair and began walking to the rear end of the shuttle. Taking a deep breath, more or less successfully calming down she put her hands on her hips, her Captain’s mask on and turned around to face Q. “Q, would you please mind telling me what this is about? Where is Voyager?”. Q came to her and grabbed her by the shoulder. “Oh your little Starfleet crew can do a few minutes without you, don’t you think? Let’s spend some time together! I promise you won’t regret it!”  
Moving away from his touch Kathryn gave him a taste of her death glare. “I don’t have time for your little games Q! Bring me back to Voyager! NOW!”  
Q rolled his way in a way only he was able. Pursing his lips he put his hands in the air “If you insist…but honestly I don’t see your point… why sticking on that boring ship, when you can spend time with ME?!” When he saw her eyebrow reaching a critical height he added quickly “But if you insist!” And with that he snapped his finger. Just before the light surrounded her she heard his voice from the distance “But isn’t that what you were wishing for? Finally, some action?”  
Suddenly everything was so silent it was almost deafening. Kathryn took a look around making sure she was alone. “Computer how long have I been off the ship?” – “The last time you were off the ship is eleven days ago for six hours, twenty-two minutes and three seconds.”  
“So, I wasn’t really gone?” Kathryn murmured. She put her face in her hands and sighed. After taking a deep breath she went to her bathroom and changed into her nightgown. Still a little taken aback she went to bed and looked to the stars before closing her eyes and falling asleep. Ten days. It had been ten days since the last time she had smiled when falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn gets another visit from Q and the wall starts to get cracks.

When Kathryn walked out of the turbolift the next day to begin alphashift on the bridge, her pace had a little more swing than the last day. Sitting down in her chair she greeted her first commander with a smile. After chatting for a bit, she retired to her ready room to check on the ship’s protocols. Four coffees and 90 minutes later she felt the boredom come back. Sighing loudly, she stared out of the viewport. Maybe going back to the bridge could bring some diversion. Paris and Kim were in a good mood and used most of the time trying to jangle Tuvok’s nerves. A few times Janeway had a hard time keeping her Captain’s face straight and not letting the smile slip on to her face. When she looked at Chakotay she saw him struggling as well. Clearing her throat and giving Paris a high eyebrow he got the non-spoken message and attended back to his station.   
Chakotay watched Janeway out of the corner of his eyes, as he did so often. She seemed to be somehow twitchy. She kept constantly crossing and uncrossing her legs. She pushed buttons on a padd from time to time but didn’t seem to read the text. When she started drumming her fingers on her arm’s rest he whispered to her “Kathryn, obviously, you seem somehow tight. Are you all right?” Janeway moved her head over their shared console and whispered to him “Chakotay, I’m not sure how to phrase it but lately I feel …“ she looked around making sure no one listened to her and finished hushed “…bored! Can you believe it? The captain of the starship lost in the delta quadrant! Bored!” Chakotay stifled his laugh looked at her somehow pitiful and said “There is indeed not much going on right now and I think we can handle the bridge. Why don’t you go to your quarters? Take a little time off. Read a book, or visit the holodeck. If anyone deservers a break it’s you.”   
Thinking about his words for a few seconds she nodded. Making sure Chakotay would call her at the first sight of trouble she made her way towards the turbolift. She decided a hot bath would be the perfect start for her afternoon off.   
As soon as she felt the hot water surround her body and the bathing crystals tickling her skin she relaxed. She inhaled the beautiful fragrance and closed her eyes. Just when her eyelids touched there was a flash that felt familiar.   
She opened them again in a state of slight horror. Her surroundings had changed completely. She wasn’t in her bathtub anymore but rather in a pool of mud. Warm, bubbling and smelling mud. “Damn it! Q!” She stood up, mud dripping from her, hands on her hips in perfect battle posture looking around, searching for the familiar face of Q. There he was. Standing on a nearby rock, dressed like going on a jungle expedition. “My, my you native women get more handsome every time, Kathy, my dear you look lovely! Even with the mud blocking the view!” Just then did Kathryn realize her state of dress or rather undress. The mud really coverd most of her, but still she used her hands and arms to cover herself. “Don’t be shy oh my Kathy, nothing my omnipotent eyes haven’t seen…not of you, of course, I still am a gentleman!”   
Rolling her eyes Kathryn shouted towards him “What is that Q? Some silly roleplay fantasy of yours? Get me out of here” – death glare – “NOW!”  
“Oh Kathy don’t be silly! It’s a gift, for you!” Noticing her more than questioning look he added “you being naked and in this mud pool was just a silly mistake, bad timing if you will. Behind that tree, you will find clothes to put on…I will clean you off of that dirt…and promise not to peek.” With that he turned around, snipped his fingers and Kathryn found herself naked but clean standing next to the aforementioned tree. After putting on the clothes she met Q in the next clearing. “Is there a reason we now both look like 21st century jungle explorers?” she asked looking at herself and him skeptically. “Oh Kathy, always so impatient. Just wait and see, I have a surprise for you!” It’s at the end of that jungle trail. “Q, I don’t have time for your little games! I don’t have time to crawl around a jungle! I have to captain a ship!” She felt helpless, not being able to get out of the situation her own. But a little part of her explorer side was curious. “Chuckles said it himself, you should take little time off! Why waste your time on the holodeck, when I can show you the real deal?” When he noticed her eyebrow rising he added, not giving her the time to protest “of course, I assure you, you won’t miss anything on voyager, no one will even realize you’re gone. Just let me give that to you….as a kind of gift!” Kathryn stood there looking at him, unsure what to do. Q was a lot of things, but not a liar. She was sure he wouldn’t do anything to harm her or her crew. And she did want to spend the afternoon relaxing…why not find out what Q wanted to show her? Nodding slowly, she gave him a half smile. Q clapped his hands once and then hugged her. Walking towards the jungle he indicated her to follow him. Just now she realized how beautiful that place was. There were blossoms of all shapes and colors one could imagine. Plants in all shades of green, covering the floor and growing so high they shaded them from the sunlight. Insects were crawling everywhere, bees and butterflies surrounding her and Q. With every meter, they walked, the smells changed, fragrances from sweet to fruity. It was never silent, strange noises came from every side, not revealing whom they belonged to, most likely to primates or primate like animals. Thinking of a different planet and its primate she had to smile.   
They walked in comfortable silence for a while, she would have never imagined that Q was able to be silent for more than a few seconds. From time to time he stopped to point at almost hidden animals in the forest or give her the bottle he carried, for her to drink some water. After quite a while they took a short break to rest. Kathryn was sweating heavily. Parts from the high humidity parts from exhaustion. The trail was often slippery, they had to cross little rivers and she always had to make sure not to stumble over roots or animals. She didn’t dare to ask for poisonous snakes.   
“Not that I don’t enjoy the walk, I have to admit I do… can’t you at least tell me what it is, we’re looking for? A hint? So, I recognize it when I see it?” Q laughed “You can’t stand it, right? You’re like a little kid! Has anyone ever told you that?” Kathryn smiled but then her smile faltered. Indeed, someone had once told her that. That thought made her somehow sad, but she tried to hide it, looking up to Q and saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about! Let’s get moving…I want to see that surprise! Come on!” And with that she started walking again. Q pretended not to notice her short change of moods and started to walk himself, closing the distance to her.   
After some more time, they reached a glade. Surrounded by mountains, having reached a higher elevation the air buzzed with busy bees and colorful hummingbirds. “There it is! My gift for you!”   
Kathryn’s heart began to pound, she looked around, looking out for her surprise. But there was nothing! That part of the rainforest didn’t look too much different to her than the parts they had hiked. Somehow special was just that there seemed to be more specimens of a particular plant. Looking at it more closely she realized they hadn’t crossed it yet. The vigorous bushes were about ten feet high. Small trunks with dark green leaves. The white flowers were highly scented and when she put her nose close to really smell them a somehow warm feeling filled her. Some of the plants had fruits. Red or purple fruits that looked kind of like cherries. “Do you like it?” Q asked behind her back, she had been so mesmerized she hadn’t even heard him approaching. “Q, I don’t know what to say…honestly…those are beautiful flowers…but …why are they so special? They don’t look special to me!” Q shook his head. “Kathy, Kathy, Kathy…there I was..thinking of you as a great scientist! And you don’t even realize the present right in front of you…go ahead, open one of the fruits!” Kathryn became kind of annoyed by his arrogance, but still she picked one cherry and opened it with her fingernails. Inside she found two seeds. She looked at them closer. No, not just seeds, those were beans. Like cacao… or…a smile spread across her face “coffee beans” she whispered. She looked at Q beaming with joy “you brought me to coffee plants!” “There it is! The scientist! And not just any coffee my dear Kathy! The best coffee that evolution has ever produced. Sadly, the plants didn’t survive for long and no one ever got to taste them. But you, my dear Kathy will be the first and only one ever!” Kathryn didn’t know what made her do it. The exhaustion from the hike or the heat. Maybe it was even the emotion of that truly thoughtful gift, or maybe the combination. But in the next moment Kathryn found herself hugging Q and thanking him. Just when she caught herself and started pulling back another light flash appeared and she found herself standing in her quarters. Dressed in a pair of loose pants and shirt. When she walked to the dining table she saw a mug of steaming coffee on it with a pink ribbon around the handle. She lifted it, closed her eyes and inhaled the aroma. Taking a sip, she wasn’t able to stifle the groan of satisfaction. “Thank you, Q” she mumbled.  
She took the copy of Alighieri’s vita nova from her coffee table, snuggled into her blanket on the couch and sipped the coffee, enjoying every drop and word she read.

The next day when she took her seat on the bridge Chakotay asked her about her free afternoon the day before and if she had been able to enjoy it. “It was wonderful You were right Chakotay, I needed a little time out to recharge my batteries. Somehow a cup of extraordinary good coffee and a good book was all it took” she smiled and winked at him.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a long day on the bridge and she was exhausted. Kathryn took of her uniform and stepped beneath the running water of her shower, letting the warm water glide among her body, cocooning her into a safe haven of warmth. She opened her new bottle of shampoo and took a deep breath, smelling the wonderful scent. As soon as the molecules hit the receptors in her nose the memories came flashing back.  
The sun was shining and warming her skin, she could almost feel her freckles on her nose darkening. Her hair was flying in the wind. She was running through a field of yellow flowers in a white summer dress. The petals were pounding against her legs and hips. The soil was dry and warm beneath her naked feet. She was running as fast as her feet would carry her. From time to time she took a look back at her chaser. When her lungs were burning, and threatened to explode from the effort she tried to run even faster. She collapsed, a weight on her back suddenly dragging her down. She gulped for air and wrestled with the dark figure covering her. As soon as her lungs filled completely with air again she started giggling and laughing. Soon her face was wet by Molly’s tongue and her white dress stained with yellow, green and brown. They were rolling around and enjoying the moment. Suddenly Molly jumped up and began to run away. Perplexed, Kathryn stood up and walked in the direction Molly was heading for. The silhouette of a figure was coming from behind a tree and walking towards them. The sun was standing low, so she couldn’t make out any details, but he looked familiar and by Molly’s reaction she knew him quite well.  
For a short moment, she had thought it was Mark, who was walking towards her but then she had realized it was actually Q. The thing was, she wasn’t surprised nor disappointed by that. They had spent the rest of the evening with a picnic and watched the sunset together, while petting Molly and sipping exquisite whine. As usual after the time they spent together Q left her a little gift, as a little reminder, that day it had been the shampoo bottle.  
It has been like that for a month now. Every night when she went to bed she had the best dreams. Q appeared in some of them but not all. Still she knew they all were his doing. After her initial refusal, he had sworn to only “give” her dreams, so her duty and ship would not suffer, because he knew that was her worst fear.

“I really appreciate the offer, Q, but I can’t accept that! I can’t be caught in daydreaming while my ship might be struggling or worse we get into a critical situation!” She stopped pacing, put her hands on her hips and just stared at him. Considering her that was the end of the argument. “But Kathy! I would never do that. I know how important Voyager and the bipeds living on Voyager are to you! Just see it as a kind of….mhh… very livable dreams! I promise you there won’t be any daydreams! You have to sleep anyway. But I can help you relax and power your own charges while sleeping!” Kathryn lowered her head and massaged her temple with her left hand. He did have a point. She hadn’t been that relaxed in long time like after Q had “showed” her the coffee plant. She was silent for a few seconds, then she stepped closer to him. Holding up her finger, she said “It will only be dreams…like a holodeck in my sleeping time?” when she saw him nodding but a naughty smile appearing she added “And NO sexual phantasies of yours in any kind! You hear me????!” Q pretended to be taken aback by that but when her death glare showed he put up his hands and nodded. “I promise you my dear Kathy nothing filthy! I will just take your dreams and make them..better.. in a way!” Her gaze softened and she thought about the offer. “And you promise me as soon as there is a alert or anyone tries to contact me I will wake up!?” Q stepped closer, took her small hands in his larger ones, kissed them and looked her. “Kathy, I promise you, it will be just like dreaming. You will as easily wake up as in any sleep. You might remember them more clearly though and I will never I promise, never make you fall asleep on purpose. It will just happen when you go to sleep voluntarily. I know how hard it is for you to accept gifts. Bust just let me give this to you.” She thought about it hard but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t find a good reason against it. Just when she started to nod, Q added with a wink “and Kathy believe me, and I don’t need YOUR dreams for my phantasies” She gasped and withdrew her hands but he was already gone.

Rinsing her hair, she stepped out of the shower and took a look at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were slightly rosy and her eyes lacked the usual tiredness. A look on the chronometer reminded her that she was almost late, so she dried and brushed her hair, put on a white t-shirt and some blue trousers. She headed out the door to set replicator but just when she entered the next room, she spun around and again stepped in front of the mirror to put on some lip-gloss and mascara. Smiling at her reflection she heard the door chime.


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay had been positively surprised when Kathryn had asked him for their weekly dinner this morning during their shift. They had missed five dates, at least he loved to think of the meetings in her quarters as dates, so far. First there were the trade negotiations and then Kathryn didn’t ask, which was not really a surprise to him as she seemed to be a little distant the days following their departure from the planet. He had the feeling she needed some time, so he didn’t ask for it, not wanting to push her. Her mood had been improving though. For the last some weeks she began smiling more often and seemed less stressed and unbalanced.  
He hadn’t been able to suppress his smile after she had asked him that day earlier. When he had answered with a wink to inform sickbay, just in case, he had heard a noise he had missed so desperately. The noise of Kathryn Janeway laughing. An honest and full hearted laugh. He could tell that not only his but the whole bridge crew’s mood had lifted.   
Now he was standing in front of her door and his hand was slightly shaking when he pushed the chime. He had to smile to himself, he felt like a teenager. “Chakotay get a hold of yourself, you’re not a teenage boy on a first date…it’s just a dinner with your friend!” he chided himself.  
The door swished open and he stepped inside fumbling on his ear and still smiling. Kathryn came walking from the bathroom and Chakotay had to admit she looked beautiful and relaxed and her hips had a new swing. He held up his hand with the cider as a greeting, she stepped towards him took the bottle from his hand and touched his chest when she thanked him.  
The food was served and eaten by them without a visit on sickbay and Chakotay was more than positively surprised when Kathryn asked him to stay for another round of cider on the couch after dessert.  
Kathryn told him about some of her favorite “dreams” of the last weeks, always leaving out the part concerning Q. When she told him about a certain one where she had to perform a ballet dance and her dress ripped the both of them laughed so hard she had to get a hold on Chakotay not to fall down the sofa. When she recovered her breath, she looked Chakotay in the eyes and for a moment the time stood still. All she wanted was to cup his cheek but just when she moved her hand, she heard his voice and the moment was gone. “Oh Kathryn, I can’t imagine what possibly made you have those dreams, but whatever it is… I hope it will stay this way. I love to see you so relaxed and happy ...but it’s getting really late. I should leave, I have alpha shift tomorrow and my boss gets really cranky when I’m late.” He said with dimples showing and stood up from the sofa. Kathryn started laughing but was still taken aback a little by the moment she had just experienced. She escorted him to the door and they said their goodbyes.

After recycling their leftovers, she went to bed, expecting another adventure. Waking up the next morning she couldn’t remember anything from her dream though. She looked around her quarters for the usual little souvenir Q left her, but there was none. Maybe Q would explain the next time. So, she left for the bridge. 

The dreams didn’t come back for three more days. On day four she got disoriented by Chakotay’s innocent question whether she missed the dreams. Did she miss the dreams….or maybe did she rather miss Q?


	6. Chapter 6

She was sitting in her quarters, sipping her coffee. Why didn’t she dream anymore? She kept thinking of the dream in which she and Q had a serious talk about the whole thing. They had been in a café in Paris eating croissants and drinking coffee. He had been different that day, more grown up, if one could call it that way, and just more serious. He had asked her why she kept resisting even thinking about a relationship with him. Her first impulse had been to laugh as usual but something in Q’s look made her realize that he wasn’t kidding that time. She had told him in all earnestness that she really was flattered by his proposal and that she had imagined the fun they might have. When she had seen his face lighten up she had held up her hand. “But Q that is exactly the point. For you everything is an adventure and fun …I’m not looking for fun. Not anymore. If you had made me that proposal 20 years ago… I’m pretty sure I would have given it a shot. The idea of you showing me the galaxy…all the explorations…that really would have made my heart beat faster” he interrupted her, stroking her hand “and don’t forget the decade lasting foreplay, Kathy!” That really made her laugh, loud and honest, with a blush creeping up her cheeks she continued “Yes Q, I must admit that also crossed my mind. And again, a younger me would have been taken away with that. But we both know it would have been nothing but that. Fun. A fling filled with great moments…but nothing to build a relationship on. We don’t have enough in common. You would be bored with me after some time and I wouldn’t be able to keep up with you. It wouldn’t have worked out then and will not now. I have a ship to command. And I can’t do that with butterflies in my belly, just waiting to go to sleep to meet my crush. It sounds even more ridiculous now saying it. I don’t have time for a fling or a relationship right now.” Q still held her hand in his and looked into her eyes for some heartbeats. Eventually he asked “But you’re a woman Kathy. You can’t tell me you do not have needs. You were engaged when you were stranded in the Deltaquadrant and since then it was mostly photonic hands touching you. You must be missing it.” Kathryn closed her eyes, preventing the tear from rolling down her cheek. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “I’m not lying. I miss it. I miss it dearly. But if I could choose, I would not wish for an exciting love affair.” She opened her eyes again and looked him deep into the eyes “Stability that is what I’m missing most. I have enough excitement on the bridge and I’m happy to be at a point where I can also have fun with my crew. It’s someone waiting on the couch for me in the evening. Someone whom I can talk to or just can be silent with. A constant in my life, that I’m missing, something permanent. And Q that is not you.” Q kept looking at her and eventually squeezed her hand before nodding and looking at their joined hands. He took a breath, wiped away the tears on her cheek and told her in all honesty “You might be right Kathy, I really do like you …a lot…I’m not faking that… but I’m not someone to stick around for too long… but I consider myself to be your friend…and until you find that certain stability in your life, will you let me entertain you in your dreams?” He wiggled his eyebrows to emphasize entertain and Kathryn had to burst out laughing. She touched his arm and gave it a squeeze. “Q, that might be one of the nicest things anyone has offered me in a long time, and I thank you for that!” Afterwards they had finished their croissants and coffees and spent the rest of the time in a surreal art-show of an independent French artist.  
She stood up and replicated herself a new cup of coffee, when she heard a familiar sound in the room. “I have started to wonder whether you found a new hobby!” she said, took out the steaming pot and turned around, looking at Q sitting on her sofa, rising her eyebrow. “Oh Kathy! You’re more than a hobby to me! And on the contrary I had the feeling you didn’t need my company anymore.” She looked at him dumbfounded. Q stood up from the sofa and walked towards her. “I see, you really haven’t figured it out yet… well you’re smart, you will eventually. Until then” he stepped forward and kissed her cheek “it was nice spending that much time with you Kathy, and I’m sorry I was not the one making you happy!” shaking of his sentiment his face reclaimed his usual Q façade he added “Farewell my Madame Captain!” And then he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

\------ 15 years later -------

 

Everything was dark and grey, big clouds were covering the sky. Rain drops were running down his face, the ones passing his eyes becoming salty. He didn’t bother wiping them away, it was a battle he couldn’t win. He walked in silence along the path. A single dark figure with his head held low, a peace rose in his hand. The only sound was the raindrops hitting the ground, the thunder in the distance and his shoes scaping over the pebble stones.   
Reaching his destination, he knelt down in the wet grass, not caring that his trousers got even more soaked and dirty. He lay the rose down on the ground in front of the dark stone. He kissed his fingertips and reached for the cold stone, touching it almost tenderly. He remained in that position for seconds, minutes, hours? He couldn’t tell. He had lost his sense for time since the news had reached him. He had lost a lot more that day. His breaths became gulps, his whole body palpitating. A sound rose from his lungs escaping through his mouth that sounded like a wounded animal. He covered his mouth, trying to silence himself.   
The golden band around his ring finger reflected the dim light of the setting sun.   
“Good thing she can’t see you this miserable, it would break her heart.” He hadn’t heard that voice for a long time. Without turning his face to look at the person talking to him he rose. He stood there not moving, staring at the letters written on the stone when a firm hand touched his shoulder and squeezed it firmly. Finally, he turned and was taken aback by the sad eyes that watched him. “Good to see you, Q.” And for maybe the first time ever he really meant those words. “I figured I might meet you here…how are you holding up Chakotay?” Chakotay just shrugged his shoulders not able to put into words how he felt. So, they just stood there together in the rain silently comforting each other.   
“Were you with her when it happened?” Chakotay asked in a weak whisper. “Yes … but there are things even a Q cannot prevent from happening.” Q answered Chakotay’s unspoken question. And from the sadness in Q’s face Chakotay knew this was nothing but the truth. “I should have been there …. I should have been with her…I…” but then his voice failed. “Chakotay it was an accident. And there is nothing you have to blame yourself for. Kathryn made a choice to all those years ago.” Chakotay didn’t know what Q was talking about. What choice? He wanted to scream at him, make him answer the question but no sound escaped his mouth and the eyes of the man across him spoke the same sadness and devastation he felt. Q grabbed his shoulders and spoke in a soft voice “You will understand it eventually Chakotay. But until then you should know she loved you, big guy, she really did and it broke her heart doing this to you… Now go home Chakotay, go home to your wife.”


	8. Chapter 8

# Epilogue

 

 

\---- 10 years earlier ----

 

Kathryn was sitting on the sofa in her quarters, a cold untouched cup of coffee in her hand. She closed her eyes. It all came rushing back. His smell. The way he had looked at her when thanking her for dinner, then his hand rising, cupping her cheek. An innocent gesture and still so intimate. She had been startled at first, then overwhelmed by her own emotions. She saw her own hands grasping for his face, pulling him towards her, her lips touching his in the softest of ways. After an initiate shock moment, she had felt him moving. His other hand came to rest on her waist, bringing her even closer. His lips began exploring, nipping at her bottom lip and finally his tongue seeking entrance. He tasted like coffee and cider. Gasping for air they eventually parted and their eyes spoke more of love than their words ever could. Silently she took his hand and led him to her bedroom.

She couldn’t remember a time being this happy. She loved Chakotay, although love seemed to be a too weak word for what she felt for him. He was everything to her, the constant she had been looking for, her friend, her rock, her everything. Q had known all along, that was why he had left… he had just waited for he to see it. She couldn’t believe she had been that blind. She giggled at that, evoking a movement next to her. She looked at the sleeping figure in her bed. He was beautiful. His bronze skin and black hair made him look like an ancient god. She touched his cheek and moved closer, snuggling into his side, their noses almost touching. Chakotay opened his eyes and she could see the initial confusion in his eyes, so she kissed him on the lips lightly. He smiled and drew her even closer to his body, holding her. Kathryn hummed in joy and put her face in the bow of his neck. She clung to him like she was drowning and murmured into his neck “Chakotay, whatever happens, promise me we’ll never forget how happy we were at this exact moment!” Chakotay inhaled her scent and kissed her head “Why should we ever forget Kathryn? It will be like this forever!”

 

A few hours later everything had changed. Janeway and her crew had been abducted by an unknown alien that proved to be extremely dangerous. They had been kept prisoner for days not in a physical but mental prison. The alien had nestled himself in their sub consciousness, throwing them from nightmare to nightmare. The doctor’s report later would state that this powerful alien got his energy from the fear of his prisoners and after seeking that he had left again, leaving the crew to recover. But Kathryn knew better. He didn’t need just fear, that was just one emotion he was after. Way more precious for him was grief. And so, he had made the crewmembers live through these two emotions. That way Kathryn was forced to re-live all the devastating moments of her life. The loss of her father and Justin and the guilt that had accompanied her and then the heartache when she had been thrown to the delta quadrant, once again taken away from her fiancé. The doctor later explained to her that it must have been that amount of fear and grief that had made Janeway way more valuable to the alien than the remaining crewmembers. In a lucid moment Janeway had tried to negotiate with the alien. Asking him what it would take to let her and her crew go. The alien had insisted that he had to keep them in a constant state of fear or grief to survive.

 

_“But do you really need all of us? Is there a way that you could nourish just from my emotions?” Janeway had pleaded, seeing her crewmembers suffering. “Theoretically one individuum would suffice…but that would take an immense load of emotions …in a constant level of fear or better grief… What could you possibly do, that would cause you that much pain, Captain?” Janeway had closed her eyes at that and mentally talked to the alien “You are an incredibly powerful being, you can read my emotions, you know exactly what that would take. But as I understand it you can only nourish from already experienced emotions not from hypothetical scenarios… If I can deliver you this, what you are seeking, will you promise me you will spare the rest of my crew and only take my feelings, only be my mental passenger?”_

Staring into the still full coffee mug, she first felt than saw Q emerging in her quarters. Without a word he sat down next to her and took her hand. “Kathy, I know what you are about to do … and I am begging you to reevaluate this. You can’t possibly imagine the suffering this will cause you.” Kathryn squeezed Q’s hand and took a deep breath. “There is no other way, Q. If I don’t do this we all will be trapped in this loop of reliving our worst moments…forever… I am sure you are aware of the conditions of the negotiations. The alien will just live in my subconsciousness from now on. He will no longer be able to control my dreams or any of my actions. I on the other hand will ‘feed’ him in my conscious state with my feelings and emotions.” Q nodded. “But …are you aware what happens if you cannot deliver what he seeks anymore?” Kathryn swallowed hard then looked at their joined hands and whispered “By agreeing to these terms the alien and I will become a symbiosis. I won’t even know he is there in my mind…but if I stop …delivering… he will die…and so will I.”

Kathryn looked up into Q’s eyes, tears already shimmering in hers. Q couldn’t stand seeing her this miserable and pulled her into a tight hug. “He may never find out…it would kill him. Q, promise me, you’ll keep this a secret.” She felt him nodding. They stayed like this for she didn’t know how long and she was eternally grateful for him just holding her.

Eventually they let go of each other and rose. Kathryn tried to swipe the tears from her face, failing miserably. She put her hand on Q’s chest and looked up to his kind face “thank you Q for being here. It’s time… I should talk to Chakotay. Can you please promise me one thing? … Make sure he finds love again!” Q put his hand onto hers and nodded then brought their joined hands to his lips. “I will Kathy….and I’ll always be there for you, as your friend!”. And just like that he was gone, leaving Kathryn alone in her quarters. She checked the chronometer, Chakotay would come any moment now and she tried her best to ready herself for the hardest thing she ever had to do.

 

She could see in the reflection of the window when the doors of her quarters opened and the silhouette of the love of her life entered, a bottle in hand. Without any preamble she turned around and said in a steady voice, captain’s mask perfectly in place “Chakotay, we need to set some parameters”. With the joyful smile vanishing from Chakotay’s lips his fingers let go of the bottle of antarian cider and with a dull voice it bumped onto the floor.

 

 

 


End file.
